Character is (hopefully) not dead...

Being the anxious girl I am, I'm often a bit taken back by the world we live in. It can be a scary place. That being said, I feel like my life is pretty safe. I'm healthy, we live in a pretty quiet part of town, I married someone I knew for years before our relationship became romantic, and I am cautious by nature. I realize that any security is a false sense of security. Bad things happen unexpectedly all the time. I try to keep that in the corner of my mind. I like the idea of being more realistic and less surprised (about an hour after starting this blog I found out my identity was stolen...talk about timing...).

I tend to forget about my security, and how fortunate I am to have it. However, I was reminded last week while on my way to a concert with some older, single friends. We talked at length about romantic relationships, and how much harder they are when you're older. I was only 24 when Matt and I were married. He was my first serious boyfriend. I didn't go through any heartache, or break-ups. Again, my life has been safe. For these girls--they've endured the fix-ups, the comments about "not getting any younger" (which is annoying--Matt and I get that one all the time because we don't have kids), the assumptions that they are now too "set in their ways" for a relationship. Not to mention the bad dates with weird guys. I never considered how it is to find a good relationship.


All that being said, I don't believe character is dead. When I think about these awesome women, I remember that there are probably some really awesome single men that have had their share of comments, and bad experiences too. More than anything though, I think that these women will be just fine even if they never find that guy. They are independent, creative, smart and wonderful people. They go out and have fun, and are happy! Their singleness is not built on dysfunction, but that they'd rather be single than settle. I like that.

 I learned my own lesson from our concert-bound conversation. That we have a choice to be happy and live a good life despite our circumstances. Waiting around for things to change and not allowing ourselves to enjoy the right now is a waste of a good life. Thank you my sweet, amazing single friends! You rock!

New Adventures in Home Ownership!

Being a home-owner is pretty sweet. Sure, it is fraught with hard work. Evidenced by forgetting our new trash schedule, our sink backing up into our bathtub, and waking up to half of our walnut tree in the street. That being said, it has been a huge answer to prayer. For years we weren't really sure where we wanted to end up. While we know Stockton is not going to be our forever home, we still have some years here. We were definitely growing out of apartment life, and I was sure tired of half of our belongings living in storage. Our dogs were practically begging for a bigger yard, Matt needed some garage space, I wanted an area to be crafty (thanks Pinterest), and since the "will we or won't we" baby talk officially begun, it was a no-brainer.

After everything we went through to get this house, I could cry every time we walk in the door. I wake up so thankful that it's really ours. It's glorious, albeit humble, but it is ours. While I'm really looking forward to the day when I feel like the work is finished, We are enjoying the process. It really is a ton of fun! As long as our air conditioner keeps pumping out cold air (can you believe this HOT weather?) I will continue to love our little house!

Whew!

What a week! Finally starting to catch my breath just to be hit with this coming busy week. Busy isn't bad-- just hectic. It's good to have so much to do! Especially for me, since I tend to let thinking get the best of me. I need the distraction to function!

My week started out pretty fun! I've been doing some volunteering with different Christian music events, and last Sunday was Air 1's Club Awesome tour. It was fun, and really made me miss my radio days... for about 5 minutes. Ha! Setting up, talking to listeners, escorting people around. It was a nice blast from the past. I'm excited to do more work with the Promotions Manager-- she is great!

The rest of the week was filled with birthday parties, work on the house, Matt's niece's 8th graduation, more work on the house, and finally commenced with a double-date of mini-golf, arcade games, and dinner at the Macaroni Grill. It was a needed fun event! Matt and I have spent a LOT of time together lately, it's just all been work. I was ready for a break with him!

This week we move! WooHoo! We still have MUCHO work to do, but thankfully the work is all stuff we can do as we go. Everything is coming along so nicely. I've had to convince myself to just enjoy it, and not let myself wonder how long it will last. I like to change things up, and between moving into our new house, thinking about our future, eliminating a source of drama and uber frustration from my life, and learning to make myself a priority, that is a LOT of change-up. I'm ready for it. I've needed it! The panic attacks and anxiety are still there. Which really sucks. But for whatever reason, this is a season I just need to deal with. For the first time in a long time, there is brightness on the horizon. I'm not letting the people and things that normally get me down have power over me and it feels good.

Here is to more busy (but good) days ahead!

Work...

Dang, owning a house is work!

Ha.

 


But seriously! This week we decided that we would try to get everything done. We failed. Turns out working on a house that has been vacant for over two years is only slightly within our spectrum of ability thus making it just easy enough to do ourselves, and hard enough to wish we had hired someone.

We were so thankful that so many people offered to help us sand our floors, paint and clean up the
yard. Then our house closed and the offers stopped.  Ha! That fact made this week interesting! It's okay, really. Slowly but surly as people that said they'd help backed out, our appreciation for our house grew. Strange, but true. Matt is SO proud of the floors he painstakingly sanded all on his own. While Matt has been working on the livability, I've been working on the look of everything, and making it feel like our home. Picking out paint colors, planting flowers and visiting every decorating blog known to man. Not to mention carefully picking and choosing through my Pinterest boards. It's honestly been great!

While we haven't moved in, we're just SO excited. It's a new journey for us. A welcome journey in a slew of unwelcome journeys we've been walking through. Both a bit of brightness and a bit of a
distraction. When you've been walking through fog for so long, you start to forget that the good stuff is out there too-- it just doesn't always come easy. Sometimes you have to trudge through all the crap first. It reminds me of a trip to LA Matt and I took a few years ago. We left on a foggy January evening, and drove through horrible fog for hours with no end in sight. I can hardly describe how great it felt when half-way over the Grapevine it was suddenly clear! It was like a weight lifted, and we both took a big breath because up until that point it was intense. That's how we feel now. A big sigh of relief. It's a nice change of pace!

I sure hope the feeling stays for a while!

The Trifecta Effect-a.

I'm exhausted. Everything going on my my life has decided to compile into one long week. Friday my Mother-in-law had surgery. She is fine, thankfully, but the recovery period is rough, and taking care of someone recovering from surgery is hard. I haven't slept well in four days, and I'm realizing how much that affects my mental sharpness and my ability to deal with normal stressors. Matt was able to take a couple of days off to help, and has been amazing though he is tired too. Yesterday I forgot my ATM pin number while trying to pay for groceries, tried to pay for my coffee twice, looked frantically for my cell phone while I was talking on it, and put away a plate in the fridge. I really need some sleep, but I seriously don't have time.

Our house is suppose to close this week. This transaction has be riffed with complications, and has been incredibly stressful. Our (awesome) realtor told me that in the 15 years she has been an agent she has never had so many issues that were not buyer related. Our life is packed in boxes and in storage. I'm so ready to be done. SO ready. We're not even in our house and a family member is trying to control what we do and how we do it-- even offering to pay for things to have them his way, then bursting out in anger when we say no, and trying to control it behind our backs. SO fun.

I'm scheduled to take the GRE test on Friday, and while I'm excited to get it done, I'm also fully aware that I won't be able to devote myself to studying this week. Between everything we having going on-- plus a slice of family drama on top and I just don't know if I can do it. I wish it didn't make me so upset, but sometimes it's hard to not be upset when you're responsible for so much while others don't take any responsibility at all. This is how it always seems to work. Many hands make the work light, but few make it heavy, and things are feeling heavy right now. Must figure our how to catch a break. Hopefully soon.

Heroes

It always strikes me as interesting whenever I watch an interview with someone that is hailed a hero after a particularly courageous or quick-thinking act that saves another from tragedy. As if they've been coached by the gods of humility themselves, they all say the same thing "Oh, I'm not a hero, anyone would've one what I did." I think most of the time they're right. I think the human race in general is one of compassion. Maybe not the most common belief about people, but I do believe that.

While I believe that those people are indeed heroes, I don't think they're the only kind of heroes. I'm not trying to lessen the greatness of a good deed done in the face of crisis. That is a truly admirable thing that should be appreciated and recognized. Especially when one risks his life for another, or in some cases gives his life for another. It's the ultimate sacrifice.

I was recently at a staff meeting for a non-profit Matt and I volunteer with. We were talking about how to really reach the kids we work with, and my friend, Robert, talked about laying his life down for them. It not like this was a new concept. How many times have I been in church and heard the pastor preach about John 15:13, about "greater love"? For some reason on that night it truly hit me. I need to lay down my life.

I started thinking about how to lay my life down for the people around me. I stopped thinking about big things and started thinking about being in the trenches with people. Laying down my life when it's hard. Laying my life down by being a good friend. Laying my life down when things are mundane. Laying my life down by filling practical needs for people. Laying my life down without recognition. Laying my life down by being a good listener. Laying my life down when it's inconvenient and taxing.

Laying down your life is not putting people and their needs on a shelf. It's not being ridged and rehearsed. It's not just swooping down to save the day when it's convenient. It's not to gain attention, or position. It's not in inauthentic humility. It's not only in the big things, but in the day to day.

Laying down your life, is just that-- Laying down anything you can receive in sacrifice and devotion to another.

And Another Cycle...

Over the last week my panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. After almost two months of only mild anxiety, I, small-mindedly, thought that season must be over. Obviously I was wrong. Bummer!

A series of painful headaches, and dizzy spells have had me pretty wrapped up in thinking something was very wrong with me. On a particularly stressful day of paperwork related to the purchase of our house, I became so dizzy at our Realtors house that I just sat down on the floor cupping my head in my hands, and praying for it to stop. The sweet Indian mother she is immediately brought me a glass of water, and some interestingly delicious crackers. It took almost 20 minutes for me to feel okay. It was madness. My anxiety has always manifested physically. Even my Thyroid condition came up during a really hard, stressful time in my early adulthood. I've always believed that it manifested as a result of constant stress.

I read a really interesting article the other day. Yes, very interesting, but also scary to me. It was talking about the way God brings people to himself-- how he allows certain trials into our lives so we have to look to Him. That His idea of  all things working for our good vastly differ from what we would ask for ourselves. While something in me hates to admit that this has worked, since there are days all I have is Him to get my through, the other part of me is just thankful that I have a source of hope. At the risk of sounding like a suicide risk, I was just telling Matt the other day that I now understand why people with severe anxiety and depression often take their own lives. It is torture to feel helpless to something everyday. During the worst panic attack I've ever had (complete with Matt telling me he was calling 911) I stopped praying that God would help me, and started praying he would take me. That was the night I realized how severe my problem was becoming.

Now that I've educated myself, and have taken the right steps to get the right help, things don't feel as out of control. Even the duration of the attacks have dwindled down from sometimes 2-3 hours of severe "freak out" to 10-20 minutes and not quite as scary as they were. This time I've only woken Matt up once in the middle of the night scared, while between August and October that number was 26 times. So things are slowly getting better, and I'm still married, so that's a bonus!

While I still wish that God would heal me from this, I am also trying to believe that this is Him giving me what I need. Why I need it, I don't know, but I will try my best to Honey Badger through it! :-)

An Invitation...

I'm still on track to go to Vet School, and I'm really excited. I'm taking the GRE next month, and while I'm nervous about the math because math is NOT my strong suit, I've also been studying really hard, and have scored well on my practice software, which makes me happy. Going back to school after thinking my years a a student were done has been a daunting experience. I wasn't confident that I could do it, but now I'm feeling good. I can absolutely do this! I find myself retaining more medical information than I ever thought I could retain. I'm constantly playing "Diagnose this patient" on a Veterinary website. Whenever I come across terms I don't know, I start researching them. I love problem solving. I've been able to write some articles, and have had two published! One on effective client communication, and one about working with rescue groups. I feel passionate and accomplished. Most of all, I feel happy!

I emailed a Veterinary professor from UC Davis last week to ask a question about one of his classes. He told me I should just come up and see for myself, and invited me to sit in some classes! So next month Im making the trip to Davis to visit their brand new teaching facility, and sit in on some classes. I'm so excited! Then I'll be attending their annual picnic with some friends/alumni to check out the program more. Even though Davis is not my first choice, I'm really looking forward to at least seeing what they have to offer!

It's nice to see dreams become realities. I've worked hard my whole life, yet never quite knew what I wanted to do. It's nice to have it figured out!

Broken Stained-Glass Windows, The Fragments Ramble On...

What to do when nothing is enough. A void that craves fulfillment. An insatiable hunger. An unrequited love.

How do you respond to someone who is unsatisfied despite effort by all?

This is a question I've frequently asked myself. Because I have this life filled with difficult, high maintenance people, I often have to reassess relationships. This is one burden I'd rather not bare. It's draining. It's frustrating. As much as I've been ignoring some of them out of sheer lack of time, they're always there. We're always trying to figure out the right way to go about it. Sometimes this makes me angry. Always trying to do the right thing while the other person doesn't really care. I struggle with resentment. Right now though, I'm annoyed and angry. Honestly, I shouldn't be because it's really not about me. However, having a "speck" in my eye pointed out over and over while the other person has a 2x4 sticking out of their eye is frustrating. I'm far far far from perfect, but gracious, is it wrong to pray that someone gains self-awareness and also that they learn to see beyond themselves? There is a whole world out there, and expecting it to revolve around you will always leave you disappointed.

**Side note: I know those of you with great, functional family and friends don't get it when I post things like this, so kindly ignore. However, feeling alone in this for years prompted me to be honest about the struggles I go though with my family. It's not always pretty or positive, but it's my life. It's real. It's sometimes brutal.***

Sometimes it's exhausting being around people that need constant attention, validation and praise, and be the bad guy if you don't constantly dish it out. To not only be the one someone calls on whenever they need something, but also the punching bag that they project all of their problems onto. To seriously get nothing out of a relationship that you have to be in. To not ever ask anything, yet still always be the bad guy. Something just set me off with it today. I just want to fix everything, but some things are not in my hands.

Today after feeling annoyed, the song "Art In Me" by Jars of Clay popped into my head. Mostly this lyric:

"In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, see the art in me"

I'm trying to "get" it. To understand this need for constant affirmation. To not feel resentment or frustration. To just to figure out why I've been the subject of so much strange competition and comparison, and not let it bother me when I see the injustice in the accusation. Because their issues don't have to be my issues. All I can do is pray for more compassion and less annoyance. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a struggle.

Happy Valentine's Day

Love,

 Moseley