The Writing Process...

I can't remember a time in my life where a pen and paper weren't my first outlet to express my thoughts. I've always run to a journal, or notebook whenever I need to get things out. there is something both cathartic, and comforting about pen meeting paper, and the sometimes jumbled thoughts in my head being made cohesive, and concice. I've found not only does it bring me peace to get my feelings out, but also to read my thoughts back to myself. It may sound strange, but I'm not only better able to connect with God through my writing, but it helps me to better connect with myself. I've struggled with finding my place, and identity. There are many times where I was confused about a situation, and as soon as I read my feelings back to myself I'd have a moment of deep clarity about the situation. The more I read when I've written, the more I know myself.

  The last few years, call it business, or even laziness, but I stopped journaling. Sure, I blog on occasion, but it's not the same. I don't just allow myself to spew. While I've always used blogging as a place to share, and not just to write for the sake of writing, it can never take the place of pen to paper. So I made a commitment to start writing again. I've decided to make this a priority as it's a bit of self-therapy. Instead of my typical journaling of the past, I've decided to do some art journaling. I already have my arsenal ready, complete with new, blank-paged journal, colored pencils, markers, and the like. I was writing the first page last night, and I loved everything about it when I was done. Not only because I made it look nice, but also because there is intense beauty in total, raw honesty. It makes me excited to keep writing.

Great Expectations.

I'm learning that sometimes my greatest downfall is having high expectations of the people in my life. I always say that I'm a bit of a disgruntled idealist. I want things to be good, and great and perfect. I want everyone to get along, and respect each-other. I want people to be themselves, and allow others to be themselves. However, this is a pipe-dream this side of heaven. There will always be injustice (and I know a thing or two about injustice lately). There will always be different opinions. Opinions that can't be either kept to oneself, or conveyed in a respectful way. There will always be butting heads, frustrating situations, arguments. It's not an issue of not wanting to be "real", but of respecting each other. I can't stress how much I hate it. I don't know why I have such an aversion for conflict. I just do. I just want so badly for things to be good.

So I guess the question isn't so much how to have things be perfect, but how to deal with imperfect situations. How to have expectations, but not crash down when things don't work out the way I hoped. The truth is, I just don't know how to get to that place. I will never apologize for wanting a good, peaceful, drama-free life. I just have to get to a place where I can deal with the letdown without feeling upset, and defeated. Without blaming myself. Without the temptation to throw the baby out with the bath water, and deem the entire thing bad.

I obviously need to find balance in this before I go crazy. I suppose it's a matter of handing every situation over to God, and allowing him to take my "cares". Sometimes that's hard too because as much as God has multifaceted wisdom beyond anything we know, I sometimes even feel like He lets me down. Does he really? No. He does circles around me when it comes to wisdom. But because I can't see things the way he sees them, My doubting Thomas ways come to the surface. I think it's a normal part of having a relationship with God. I've always thought that getting older means gaining a deeper understanding of things. But I'm feeling more confused then ever. I think I need a nap!

Unknown

We never know what kind of curve balls life is going to throw our way. It's for the best, I believe. I'm one that finds comfort in preparedness. I imagine if I knew what was coming 'round the bend my life would be both exceedingly boring, and relentlessly tiresome. It would also leave zero room for growth. While the unknown is always a concern, I couldn't imagine not being able to live out the journey. I want to breathe it in, and taste it on my lips. The good, the bad, the hard. I am so in awe of this road that I have been given the opportunity to take.

So many people are looking for their identity. They're searching for their place, for significance, for some kind of contribution. A way to not be forgotten. I think that people are searching so intensely that they forget the simple times they do this by just living a good life. In Christ, we have been given the freedom to simply live. We don't have to be perfect, we don't have to beat ourselves up, we don't have to worry about what the next turn is going to bring. He's got us. I can't even describe every impossible situation that I have been in that he has picked me up and rescued me from. It's why my belief is so strong. He has always taken care of me. Even in my shame, and ugliness. Even when things were going well, and I went and screwed the whole thing up, he has been there. Even when I'm in a dark place, and question my very existence, He is there. I am a perfect example of a person living under the umbrella of His grace.

Regardless of anything I'm going through, my only true goal is to live a good life. To be more of a help then a hindrance. To simply be love to the people around me. Even when they are impossible to love. Even when I'm tired. Even when I'm struggling with all those voices in my head that are telling me I'm not enough. To live in harmony and community whenever I have the choice, and to pray and reflect when I don't or it gets hard. And you know what? I think that's ok.

Control.

I can't tell you how many times I've sat down to write here in the last 6 months. My issue with writing has never been an inability to find words, but rather getting my jumbled thoughts out in a manner suitable for reading. That being said, I should really write a book. My life is downright print-worthy. Thank goodness that I find humor in the crazy!

I feel as if I'm being refined in many ways. This is something that I've wanted and prayed for, for some time. To refine means to get out the impurities, and to only have the purest parts remain. I, admittedly, have some emotional baggage. I mean, who doesn't, right? I've been working on releasing some of those things I hold onto, but it's hard. I feel like I've grown a ton. even in these last few months. Of course, in some ways I feel as if I've grown out the expectations of some. However, I think like it's merely a side-effect of change. Doesn't mean it's bad. Just different.

The biggest thing I'm learning is that I'm not as "in control" as I've thought I am. There are lots of things completely out of my control. The biggest issue I have is not being able to control how much people like me. Which is SO silly. It goes against everything I believe about being a genuine person. It's the one thing I would change about myself in a heartbeat. Trying to stay in the good graces of people, and make everyone happy all the time is like sucking your own soul out through your pores. It's gruesome, and bloody. In the end, I usually end up on the losing end of that battle.

So, I've been saying "no". A good friend once told me to "Practice your no's". It's true that practice makes progress. It's amazing how much more I enjoy my life by learning to say yes to the right things, and no to the wrong ones. When I say yes to the wrong things, I end up heavy in anxiousness--much more then the anxiousness of having to tell someone no, and the fear that they'll hate me. I take on things I can't do 100% because I'm already spread too thin, but then my perfectionism comes out, and I end up beating myself up when it's not perfect, thus rendering myself a failure in my own eyes. A vicious cycle.
I know people aren't use to this part of me- which scares me the most. But I have to do this in order to be healthy.

Pajamas, Pillows, and my Little Slice of Web.

I'm blogging from bed today. Sure, it's 11:26, and I've already been up, and (somewhat) productive-- but my house is empty and quiet, and Matt's not here to give me a hard time about it (ha!), so here I am--pajama-clad and pillows stacked high.

September was a rough month. You know those times you just can't get it together? One thing after another was going wrong. I spent far too much time feeling over-the-top emotional. Ugh! Between our bank account getting hacked, Matt working out of town, me driving off with gas pumps, my (sort of) crappy birthday, and totally losing my voice-- I was just done! SO glad to be in October! This month has been much softer to me!

• Some time spent with people who I truly like.



• Restored bank account!



• A new, welcomed work schedule (might actually feel married again!).



• A really great Jars of Clay concert.



• Narrowing down what Vet schools to apply to.

So far, I'm loving October! Of course, now that it's fall, my heart gets all excited about the holidays, cool weather, costume-clad children, pumpkins, hot drinks, hooded sweatshirts, apple hill, piles of leaves, and puddles. The change of the season really tends to lift my spirits!

Before I know it, I'll be decorating a Christmas tree, carefully wrapping Christmas gifts while sipping hot peppermint mochas, listening to Christmas music almost non-stop, making fudge, and sugar cookies frosted with buttercream, and topped off with red hots.

I can't wait!

I've never felt so stupid.

I've done some exceedingly stupid stuff. I trip, fall, cut myself, sprain extremities, stick my foot in my mouth, etc, on a fairly regular basis. I've become fairly accustom to my clumsiness/social awkwardness.

Rewind to yesterday.

I was having a bit of a rough morning. A (very) stupid argument occurred with a family member, and I left feeling frustrated, and totally defeated. I was on my way to work, and needed to stop to get gas. I normally pay at the pump, but a week and a half ago our bank account was hacked. They wiped our account clean, and we're still cleaning up the mess. We don't have new ATM cards, so I went in and paid cash. I came out, and started pumping our gas. I noticed I had a Starbucks cup that needed to be tossed, so I collected it, and a few other pieces of trash to deposit in the bin. Then I got in the car, started it, and drove away.

I. Drove. Away.

I heard what sounded like something rolling off of the roof of my car. Then I happened to glance in my side-view mirror.

It was the fuel nozzle and hose STICKING OUT OF MY GAS TANK!! The entire hose was pulled off and stuck in my car.

I get out of the car, and everyone is staring at me. That's when the tears came. Followed by sobs. I completely lost it! I take the nozzle out of my car, and start walking back into the gas station. They give me some paperwork to fill out, but I'm crying so hard I can't even read it. Thankfully it happened at a gas station I go to often, and the ladies are super nice. They assured me that it happens all the time. One of the ladies even got me something to drink. I paid the $200 to replace the part that was broken, and walked out.

The police were there. Oh Dear God!

This officer had no idea what he was dealing with. As soon as he asked me what happened, I start sobbing again. I couldn't help it. He stops questioning me, and tells me everything is going to be okay. Ha! Then he told me I could go, but to sit in my car for a bit to calm down.

Have I mentioned Matt is working out of town all week? Just my luck. So I'm trying to calm down, while driving to work, but I needed to talk to Matt about what happened. As soon as he picks up I start sobbing--AGAIN! He couldn't understand what I was saying, and when I finally got it out, I could tell he was trying not to laugh at my misfortune. He assured me that it was all going to be okay, and asked if I wanted him to come home. I didn't. I would've felt worse knowing he left work because of my stupid mistake!

I get to work, and try my best to avoid everyone until I can clean myself up. That didn't happen. As I'm retelling the story, I'm alternating between crying, and laughing. By that point I felt so emotionally unstable that I didn't know what to think.

The moral of the story; Matt is pumping my gas from now on.

Early Morning Musings

Sometimes I forget how much I love early mornings. I've always been a bit of a morning person, but my schedule has turned me into a bit of a night owl by necessity. I love the stillness of the morning. The crisp, cool air. The quiet.

Notice I didn't say "Peace".

I've always thought it to be interesting that the words "peace" and "quiet" are often spoke of like one must go with the other. Like unless it's quiet, peace will not come. Like peace is somehow based on the conditions that surround us.

In my life, and in my heart, that has ceased to be true.

In fact, when I'm alone, in the quiet, that is when I tend to be the least at peace. I love the quiet in theory, but the wheels in my head start turning, and the anxiousness starts to set in. I have to start fighting back the lies I tell myself. The biggest lie being that my worrying somehow changes the outcome of things I'm anxious about.

It doesn't.

It's a false sense of security. A false sense of control. While I may have a lot of things on my worry list (like moving, GRE testing, staring down the barrel of a $200,000 student loan) not one ounce of worry is going to help.

Maybe one day I'll find peace in the quiet-- but today I'm wearing headphones.

Reaching out...

A few weeks ago, I heard good news about some people we used to be close to. We haven't spoken to them in awhile. To be honest, things were a bit tense the last time we did see each-other, though I'm not quite sure why. I wanted to congratulate them on their "good news", so I sent a little email. No response. I wasn't really waiting for a response, more that I just happened to remember that I sent an email, and then happened to notice they never wrote back. That's when the feelings of rejection started to creep up.

Sarah today is a much different girl then Sarah 5 years ago. I'm much more secure in myself. I'm not really afraid to share my opinion, or disagree if I think something is wrong. Not in an "in your face" sort of way, but I don't just nod and smile anymore. I'd love to be able to say that my insecurities about being rejected are gone. Obviously this situation proves that I still have those insecure feelings inkling somewhere inside.

As for the relationship, not sure where to go from here. It's always really sad when good relationships go bad, especially when you can't quite put your finger on why. I am, however, genuinely happy for them.

Announcement!

In a little over a year, I will be applying for Vet School! I'm so so so excited to start my new educational venture! I never really thought I'd pursue a career in any sort of medical field, but thankfully my current position has given me a great insight into veterinary medicine. I'm starting my prerequisites this coming fall. I'm attending my first informational session for St. George University next week in Santa Monica. I'm thrilled! :-)

Summer...

I sat in the sun today. The temperature was much hotter then what I'm usually comfortable with, but today that didn't stop me. I wanted to feel it on my face. I wanted to soak in each ray one by one. I often take these simple pleasures of life for granted. The ability to sit and just relax knowing I'm doing alright. Life is good. I don't want to just "get through" the stages--I want to live them out, feel them, enjoy being human, enjoy being myself. I've been rekindling my love for simplicity the past few months. I got a little caught up in life's chaos for a bit. I'm thankful that I did though. Sometimes I need that to make me that much more thankful for the simple. Simple is just part of who I am. What makes me Sarah.

Oh the time I've spent trying to be someone else. Someone that I'm not. It always caused so much confusion in me. Coming to grips with the fact that I can't choose who I am. I'm never going to like Jazz clubs, or foreign films. I'm not ever going to love roller coasters. I'm not going to be happy as a teacher. I suck at math, and have to use spell check liberally. I don't enjoy reading fiction. I play tetris during church. I sing along with every song on the radio. I prefer a bath to a shower any day. If I buy low-fat ice cream, I eat two servings. I love the rain. I'm super-sensitive in good ways and bad ways. I like watching mindless tv. I love to get my hands dirty. I google 100 times a day. I crave knowledge. I can be messy. I like doing things for people. I like to create things. That is who I am. Instead of fighting it, I'm learning to be it. To accept both my strengths and my faults. The beautiful thing about it is that it's helping me allow others to be themselves. I never thought I'd be content just being me. Not only am I feeling content, but I don't think I'd want to be anyone else.

:-)