Top 10 of 2010!

In honor of 2010, I've decided to post my favorite things about the last year-- in no particular order.

10) Gaining prospective. Matt and I together gained some prospective about certain things in our lives. It wasn't an easy process-- that's for sure. However, I firmly believe that trails produce character. If we didn't gain prospective, or learn anything from the hardships in our lives, we would be wasting opportunities to grow.

9) Learning to let go. I had some things I was holding onto, and by doing so it was holding me back from the joy I could have been experiencing in my life. I know I can't change the past. All I can do is acknowledge that I was hurt, and move forward. Baby steps. Those feelings still creep up now and then, but I feel so much peace.

8) iPhone! Do you like how I went from deep stuff to materialism? That's just how I roll. ;-) I'm so glad I took the plunge into modern technology! No more getting lost. No more having people complain that they could never contact me. No more wondering how I was going to surf the web while taking a bath. Yes, iphone-- you have changed my life!

7) Kittens. I said I would never own Cats. However, this girl has a huge, (and at times) annoyingly soft heart for all living things. So I took some kittens home with the idea that I'd find them each a new home. Well, all three got a home-- but two of them got a home with us. Now that we have them, they are a part of our little family. They provide some awesome entertainment!

6) New Job. I'm working at a Veterinary hospital in Tracy, Ca. I hated my first 3 months. I can't watch Lion King without bawling my little eyes out, so if you can imagine the sad scenarios of a Vet clinic, you could imagine why I would hate it. I cried every. single. day. I told Matt that I almost felt bipolar-- I'd be fine, and BAM something would make me lose it. I still shed some tears on occasion. But I work with great people, and am learning that the happy parts are great, and the sad parts are the reality of life's process. I can honestly say now that I really like it.

5) Unanswered Prayers. Yes, like the song. There are things that I have been hoping and praying for in my life. There were lots of situations in the last year where I thought I wanted some specific thing, but in hindsight, am thankful I don't always get what I think I want.

4) Beautiful Memories. 2010 will be in my head for years to come. Matt and I took lots of little trips, which I always enjoy. Some of my favorites though aren't what you'd expect. Like sitting in the hospital waiting room for 6 hours watching the Olympics together when Matt had MRSA, or crying over coffee at the downtown starbucks feeling complete brokenness. All part of life-- but trying to see the beauty in all of it!

3) Friendships Gained and Lost. 2010 was a crazy relationship year. I committed to myself at the beginning of 2010 that I was going to get rid of any drama-- or dramatic people in my life. I've never been very good at placing boundaries, or standing up for myself. So there were some friendship deaths this year. Some bloody-- but necessary. There were also friendships strengthened-- and even though I can count my good friends on one hand, I'm happy. Bad friendships make you appreciate good friends that much more.

2) A Better Marriage. For a few months there, Matt and I were feeling a little disconnected. Our schedules left very little time to spend together, and we weren't quite understanding each other the way we normally do-- which led to some frustrating conflict. We're working through it, and are already feeling the effects of our commitment to work it out, spend more time together, and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

1) A Renewed Hope for the Future. 2009 was a hard HARD year. I went through a time of feeling depressed, hopeless, intensely frustrated, and all around awful. I wasn't sleeping-- it was one of the most painful seasons of my life. 2010 brought some renewed hope. I started praying that the painful seasons of my life wouldn't be in vain. That they would bring renewed clarity, and peace to my life. It still hurts, but I know now that it was all for a reason. I'm praying for more of the same in 2011!

My hope for 2011 is to experience more true, lasting joy. To be able to see the good in all situations. To get past anxieties that have held me back, and truly experience life to the fullest. To soak up any blessings that come my way, and use them to bless the lives of others!

Happy New Year!

It's that time of year...

Truth.

Ah. I can't explain in adequate words how wonderfully wonderful it feels to be typing away. I missed my free therapy blog dearly. Writing is definitely the outlet the suits me best.

My soul feels lighter already.

If you're my Facebook "friend", you know that I've been going through some relationship stuff. It's been messy to say the least. The thing that hurts me the most isn't what has been said about me. It's the fact that I allow myself to feel bad about myself that are untrue. I allow the opinions of others to affect the way I view myself.

We've all had people get angry at us. We have all let people down in one way or another. I know that. I'm not a perfect person. A perfect friend. A perfect wife. A perfect employee. While I tend to be really hard on myself, I've learned that we all have weaknesses. I'm learning to accept my limitations as a person. I am one person. I've always tried to do it all, and be everything for everyone. I'm married,I have more responsibilities, I need to have time to myself, I need to be there for my husband. People in my life got so used to me always being there, that they now feel slighted when I'm not always there. It makes me sad because while I never want to disappoint anyone, I have to protect myself from getting overwhelmed.

So what is the truth? The truth is that I don't feel "safe" with many people. That I hardly spend any time with Matt because our schedules are opposite with work and school. That I've been having health issues, and have been dealing with exhaustion and anxiety on a daily basis. That a lot of the time I prefer being alone. And lastly, the truth is that I shouldn't have to apologise, or justify my reasons for being kind of scarce as of late. I've always tried to be understanding of the situations of other people. All I'm asking now is for the same understanding. I'm going to be okay. I'm not asking for anything else-- I just need to take better care of myself. I can't do that when I'm being pulled in 100 different directions.

So I'm not going to feel bad. I'm going to give myself some breathing room, spend some time with Matty, cherish the friends that know me well enough to cut me a little slack right now, and relax. I don't have time, energy, or any desire to deal with anything else.

Insecurities and blogging.

I loved writing here when I thought no one really read my thoughts, and now that I know people do, I feel so insecure. I know that is kind of strange. The whole point of a blog is making your thoughts public. Right? So forgive me if it seems I'm neglecting my blog. I'll be back in full force eventually. Hopefully. As soon as I can work out this monster that lives in my head telling me I'll never be good enough.

My entire life I've been surrounded by hyper-critical people. I've been told I'm not good enough, that I'm stupid, that I'm not pretty enough, that I can't do anything right, and have had my reasons for being "me" questioned. As much as I wish I could say that knowing God, and what he thinks of me, and that he made me exactly who I am would fix this. I'm still a broken person.

I'm going through things I wish I could share. That I wish I could be honest about, but because I fear judgement, and fear the things that will be said, I won't. Maybe one day I'll be completely honest. For now, I just need to figure out how to be me without worrying what other people think.

Non-Labor Day!

I have today off! WooHoo! I'm so excited that I made plans too watch too much TV, and do too much laundry. I bet you're jealous! ;-)

I spent day one of my two days off in a row visiting lovely, beautiful, ridiculously crowded, Santa Cruz with Miss Jenny. What started out as a plan to meet in Elk Grove for lunch a Noodles & Co turned into a full-blown road trip. Despite our many stops along the way (my work, Starbucks, 99 cent store, and a random hole-in-the-wall for a bathroom break), and the insane traffic, we managed to make it to Downtown SC without dying--which is a good thing. Our last out-of-town adventure almost ended when a deer darted in front of Jenny's car. No bueno! We narrowly escaped with our lives--though I'm sure the deer felt the same way!

Downtown Santa Cruz offered us the things we love--Pizza my heart, The Italian market I adore, interesting people, interesting signs, and perfect weather. We had lunch, then ate coconut chips until we felt like vomiting, and laughed until we couldn't breathe. We have the craziest conversations! After realizing that there was no way we would make it to the boardwalk, due to the sheer amount of people, we decided to drive Hwy 1 until we found a beach that wasn't insanely busy. We found a beach we had visited on our last trip to Half Moon Bay! We headed down to the shore, took some pictures, got far too close to a dead sea lion carcass (there was so much dead wildlife we just called it carcass beach), when we finally found a safe place to sit, we were almost swept away by a wave--so we headed back to the safe, warm car.

We continued on Hwy 1 until we reached Cameron's Pub--by far my favorite spot in HMB! We were far too full from lunch to eat, so we took advantage of their bathroom, bought some chips from England for one of my co-workers, and took far too many pictures! Down the way from the pub is a great trail, so I had the bright idea to walk the trail to the rocky beach cliffs. The idea came to an abrupt end when Jenny *thought* she heard a snake in the grass and actually RAN back to the car. Oh Jenny. :-) Before we left for home we made one more stop at a little fruit stand. We purchased figs, cherries, and peaches. Soooo yummy! Once we got to Pleasanton, we made our second Starbucks stop of the day. WELL worth it. The Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate has been playing my heart strings as of late. It feels a lot like love!

Today, my stomach still hurts from laughing so hard! Great way to spend a day!

Blog-

It's been a good week. Last weekend I house-sat for some good friends, and even though I had to work Saturday, it was a nice little staycation! I'm one of those people that can go and go for a long time, but I need my time to do nothing but sleep and watch the Food Network, too! (BTW, anyone watching NFNS?? Team Aarti!!) I missed my dog, so it was nice to get back home. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy being sloth-like for about 24 hours! I also got to hang out with Jenny-- which is always fun/wonderful! She makes me laugh, and if you know me, you know laughing is about my most favorite thing ever! I love laughing, making others laugh, watching other people laugh-- I'm a laugh-a-holic! :-)

I'm finally getting the hang of things at my new job, which is nice too! Have I talked about my new job here? I'm working at a veterinary hospital in Tracy. I still have side projects going, which is good-- I like the variety! The first month at the new job was really hard. I love animals, and have had a million different animals growing up, but as far as the medical side, I'm pretty clueless! So the steep learning curve paired with not being able to keep my emotions in check (I was crying every time an animal had to be euthanized) didn't make for a great situation at first. Now I actually like going. I'm catching on, and while I still cry everyday, I'm not as much of a mess as I was. Of course, I did have someone ever-so-sweetly (not) tell me (on facebook) that I'm "wasting my education". Nice, huh? To which I replied "That depends on how you define education. I don't think it stops when you graduate. Do you?" I'd be lying if I said I wasn't proud of my comeback-- I was! I'm happy, I'm always working on writing projects, I try my best at what I do, and that makes me happy.

This next weekend Matt and I are headed to Monterey for a little whale watching adventure! I've never been, so I'm pretty excited. I love the ocean, and I really love ocean life, so it's a perfect day trip. I should also mention I get to take my dog-- which makes me really happy! Now we're praying for no sea-sickness (I'm prone to motion sickness, but I've been out to sea a few times and was fine) and nice weather! Can't wait!

Socially dysfunctional...

I've changed so much. Weird way to start a blog-- I know! I don't know what else to say. I feel like we're in a day and age where it's so easy to be social. Everyone is a text, voicemail, or facebook away. 10 years ago, that would be a dream, but it's my 27 year-old nightmare! I feel overwhelmed by it all. By the pressure. By the inability to ignore anything (or anyone) because of the many ways to be contacted. Maybe I have something wrong with me, but it's stressing me out!

I've been blessed with a heart that loves people. I do! So why is it that right now I can hardly stand anyone? I think I'm overloaded. Is it sad that I keep the friends I love the most away because I'm afraid I'll end up hating them? That others I keep away because they're so critical of me that I leave feeling like the worst person on the planet, but when they need something they call me? Am I too trusting? Am I a bad person for feeling that way? I have so many questions, and no answers.

I often feel like people love me for what I can do for them-- and not because I'm me. This isn't unfounded--sadly. Like the other night when I was supposed to do something for a friend, and a crazy stressful situation came up, and I had to deal with it first. I still followed through with what I said I'd do, it just took me a bit longer. It wasn't even very important. I left feeling so stressed out, and with my "friend" letting me know how disappointed she was even though she knew it was out of my control. I cared enough to help her out, but no one cared about me. Maybe that's selfish of me to say. But it's how I really feel. As soon as I stop "putting out" (intentional bad choice of words) or stop making all the effort, the friendship ends, or I'm the bad guy. Maybe it's not really a friendship at all. But it still hurts to know that as soon as I say no, or I need something, everyone is gone. It's even hard to write this because I don't want the criticism.

Today, someone I don't even know super well did something nice for me. It meant the world to me even though it was a small gesture. I enjoyed it, but couldn't help but wonder if she sometimes feels the same way I do. She has a lot to offer, and she does a lot for other people. She's been blessed in many ways, and likes to share the blessings-- which is awesome. I just know how people who are willing often get the short end. I hope she knows how much better she made me feel today-- and how thankful I am!

G Double O D Good.

Busy. That sums up my last month pretty well. I started a new job, am still doing my old one, still looking for a house, fostering two kittens, and still trying to find time to sleep, and spend more then 30 seconds a day with Matt. It's been a challenge. I'm definitely not bored-- so that's a great thing!

Matt took a day off last Wednesday, and I have Wednesday of every week off, so we took a trip to Santa Cruz. It was a fantastic trip! We napped on the beach, walked the Boardwalk, played mini golf (both of us got a hole-in-one at the end and each won a free game...score!). Then we played in the arcade. Matt played a game where you are adding air to a balloon until it pops. I went first, and added so much air, but no pop. Matt went next and hit it perfectly on the target that is an automatic win. The balloon popped, and the machine then popped out 600 tickets, which Matt gave to two little girls saving their tickets for a larger prize. Ah, I love him! Matt went body surfing, and I watched-- The weather was warm, but windy and the water was freezing! I picked up my phone once the entire time, then put it away for the duration. Before heading home, we headed to "Pizza my Heart" (of course) and then walked through the Italian Market next door. I drooled over the vegan cupcakes, but refrained for sheer lack of room!

On our way out of town, we both proclaimed that this had been the best day trip ever. No pressure, lots of fun, and a much needed break. I cherish those memories!

So, that being said-- life is good! Crazy, and hectic, but good!

Because I just don't have the energy to *really* blog today...

I'm stealing today's blog from my good cyber friend, Erin! Thanks Erin! :-)

Favorite thing to do on vacation: Sleep. After I'm well rested I love to explore by foot. Exploring by car freaks me out because I get very lost very quickly. I also enjoy the pool/spa if we're staying in a hotel!

Favorite thing to do when there isn't anything planned: Blogging, reading, goofing off on the Iphone, Napping.
Favorite US City: Not that I've been to many, but at the risk of sounding cliché, I love San Diego. I wouldn't want to live there, but I really love to visit.
Favorite city to visit outside of the U.S. of A.: Um. Mexicali? The only out-of-country travel I've done is to Mexico.
Favorite Board Game: Monopoly, Scrabble or Cranium. I LOVE most of them!
Favorite Food: Kase Knoepfla, Yellow Potatoes, Kugen (can you tell I'm german?), and almost any other ethnic food.
Favorite Music: I listen to it all. Last night I heard "Get Low" followed by "Voice of Truth" in random order on my iphone... lol!
Favorite Book: My Favorite is "Hinds Feet on High Places"-- hands down! But I have quite a few that I enjoy. I'm not into fiction very much though. I love biographies, Christian living, and even some self-help books. Depends on the day.
Favorite Pair of Shoes: My sparkle Chucks. However, they are dying. There is a hole forming in the big toe area, but that doesn't stop me from wearing them.
Favorite Color(s): Greens/blues/reds
Favorite thing to do to make someone else smile: I love to joke around with people. It's amazing how little jokes can lighten your mood!
Favorite gifts to receive: For the most part, getting gifts makes me uncomfortable. However, I am into practical gifts, and gift cards.
Favorite gifts to give: Whatever they want! :-)
Favorite Summer Activity: Being inside under an air conditioning vent, or in a pool. The heat makes me SOOO sick.
Favorite Winter Activity: Anything if it's by a fire...
Favorite Fall Activity: Decorating! I love fall decor!
Favorite Spring Activity: Gardening. I didn't plant a garden this year, and I really miss it!

These are a few of my favorite things...

Doesn't that just make you want to break out in song?? It makes me want to throw on some PJ's

and lay on the couch and watch the entire movie!

Ok, here it goes!

Space Saver Bags:

I'm a skeptic, but I've had strangely good luck with infomercial items. The Space Saver bags did not disappoint! All of mine and Matt's winter clothes, and jackets in 2 flattened bags! I wasn't sure what to do with them since we are so limited on space, so I'm storing them in a large suitcase under our bed! I'm going to go back to Target this afternoon for some jumbo-sized bags for our warm winter bedding, and extra pillows! Did I mention that sucking all of the air out is strangely entertaining?

100 Calorie Starbucks Frappuccino:

Uh huh! This makes me happy. Not only did I not continue on my caffeine detox, but I actually increased the amount that I drink. Bad-- SOOO bad! Between my allergy meds, and starting a new job, I've needed the extra energy! Not to mention that I've lost 20lbs in a month just watching my calories(which is a miracle with thyroid issues). It does contain artificial sweeteners, which I'm not a fan of, but once I can finally get this extra weight off, I'll worry about that. For now, I'm basking in the glow of low-cal!

Lavender Serenity Downey:

If you want soft, great smelling clothes, you HAVE to try this Downey! I am pretty allergic to smelly detergents, but I haven't had a reaction to this! It smells SOOO good! Matt even likes it, and he doesn't like any strong smells. I can't really explain it, but it's fantastic!

Right now I have lots of favorites, but these are my favorite favorites by far! ;-)