Fear of fear itself...

In recent days I've been experiencing higher levels of anxiety then I normally do. My life is less stressful now then it has been, but I can't seem to shake it. I've suffered from anxiety issues my entire life.

I actually remember my first anxiety attack. I was all of 9 years old. My parents had a friend, Sandy, that owned a pet store. Me, being the animal lover that I am, begged my parents to allow me to help out occasionally at her shop. So one day, they dropped me off. As the day progressed, Sandy started to talk about God. I didn't "know" God personally at the time, but remember believing that he was a good guy. Well, she told me that God was coming back in like 300 days and that if I didn't go to church with her that I would be left behind, my parents would die and I'd be alone. That people would be starving and there would be war and earthquakes. I was freaked. In fact, I went in the bathroom and cried, then asked to call my parents to pick me up.

While I know the truth now and know that she was part of a cult, I am still haunted by her words. I started having nightmares about the rapture, which I experience often to this day. While every other Christian I know is excited about the day of Christ's return, I have never been so fearful of anything in my entire life. It's terrible. I've even mentioned it to a friend just to be dismissed as "stupid". Talk about adding insult to injury...

I believe that one event was just a precursor for my anxiety disorder. I guess it could be many factors. Never feeling protected by my parents, always being told I was just too emotional or sensitive whenever I got hurt, having to take care of myself a lot. I don't really know. I just know that I'm not in control. I wish that was comforting, but it's not. God and I are in a constant power struggle. Ok, let's be honest, there is no competition, I can't win that one. It's the hardest thing for me to accept. When things feel out of my control, I crumble into a pile of tears. I have panic attacks. I can't function. I can just pray. That's all. Even that is half-hearted.

I'm learning that while God is in control of everything, he affords us the strength to get through whatever it is that is troubling us. How often I depend on myself, Matt, friends or sometimes the occasional self-help book to get me through times like this. At one point I even had a prescription for a medication that I was told would help get me through it and another one to help me sleep. I filled them both in desperation for a break. I was too scared to take them and flushed them down the toilet... Too scared to take the meds to make me less scared... sigh...

The only thing I should be desperate for is a deeper relationship with Jesus. A deeper understanding of His will, a deeper level of trust in Him. Anything else would vastly pale in comparison. If only I could get that message from my heart into my head.