Friday, July 3, 2009


My mind is always running. I can't seem to get it to stop. Sometimes it's good because I can think things through, and figure things out rather easily before the stress factor ensures. It's also a huge pain because too much thinking often times leads to too little sleep, and leaves me feeling frustrated about things I can't change. Hence blogging at 1am. I'm tired, I'm spent and I still can't sleep.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. Periodically, I go through this mental checklist I have to make sure I'm where I need to be in all areas of my life. I check my spiritual life, my physical well being, my mental health, and try to make it a point to be balanced. I also reevaluate relationships, and friendships, and try to work on this issues that I am responsible for. I actually learned about how important it is to do that when I was going through counseling years ago after my dad died. It is a good thing for me. It's really helped me to see things for what they are. However it does tend to make me feel a little bit overwhelmed, especially when it coincides other happenings, like right now, moving.

Recently, my "wonderings", so-to-speak, have been all about who I *really* am. Not what I hope to be, not who I was, but the person I am now--successes, faults and all. I'm learning that I am the worst kind of idealist-- a cynical one. I want so badly for things to be good, and great, and I want rainbows, and unicorns, and world peace. However, my life has never ever been like that. So I scoff at the idea that my life will ever look like that. I've lost having expectation's because it's better not to expect good things, and occasionally get them, then to expect things to be great, and be let down again and again.

Relationships are my weakness. For a long time I had certain expectations for my friends and some of my family members. I figured that if I was a good enough friend, or sister, or daughter, or whatever, that it somehow guaranteed a place in their lives for me. That just isn't the case... at all... I have some really great friends-- friends that are my friends because we like being around each-other and we have things in common, and we can talk about anything, and respect differing opinions. Life can keep us apart for months, but we just pick up where we left off, and there are no hard feelings. Then acquaintances, we only really keep up on facebook, and worked with each other for a year, or went to school together. I actually like keeping up with people, no pressure, so I don't mind the "facebookship" at all. Then I have these pseudo-friendships where we were friends, and then just kind of stopped talking. Not for any real reason, but there is tension, and this feeling that they found better people to hang out with, so you never hear from them, unless they want something, or they're lonely, so you're their "backup". Those are the worst. Sadly, I have a few that are just emotionally draining because I resent them. I think it's time to pull the plug-- it's over!

Needless to say, I have a lot going on right now. Maybe my mind will shut off long enough to get some sleep... maybe!

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