Bite Me!!

Ok, so I need to do this blog tonight! Excuse me while I gripe! :-)

Bite me: Insomnia! Seriously, it's 3:23am, and I haven't been able to fall asleep at all! I have to be up at 7am! Go the heck away, and let me get some sleep! You annoy me!

Bite me: Cat that always sleeps on my car. Not only am I tired of my car having cat hair stuck to it, but I saw the scratch marks on my trunk, and I'm not happy. I like animals, but find another bed, please?

Bite me: Mom. Don't go around telling people you want to have a relationship with me, but you don't know how to contact me. Stalking me on social networking sites doesn't constitute wanting, or having a relationship, and you can send someone a message, even if they're not your "friend". Plus, I've enjoyed not having you around. I'm finally getting over all the crap you did to me as a child, so please, just leave me alone! I can't have a relationship with you right now... really!

Bite me: Laptop. I really don't want to pay $100 for a new battery... Just work!!!

Bite me: People that insist on sucking the life out of me. I don't answer your calls because I HATE talking on the phone. Not because I don't like you, not because I don't want to listen to you, but because if I talked to you 5 minutes ago, I don't need to talk to you again.

Bite me: cancer! You keep going after people in my life, and I'm sick of it. You SUCK and I can't wait until they develop something that kills you for good!

Bite me: Cell phones. You're evil!

Bite me: People that feel like it's ok to give me diet tips, or make reference to my weight. Yes, I know I'm not skinny, but you trying to pressure me into doing whatever crazy diet your on does not help! I'm losing without you. Slow and study wins the race, fad diets are short term! Why try to get healthy if you're not going to be healthy about it?

Bite me: Starbucks. I love you, and depend on your for survival on some days (like tomorrow) but $4 for coffee? You're sucking the bank account dry!

Oh, I feel SOOOOO much better. Just had to get that off of my chest! Fell free to do your own "bite me". You'll feel SOOOO much better!!

Because there is more to me then being "nice"

I've decided that I hate being the "nice" girl. It's such a struggle for me. I am friendly by nature. However, I wish so much that I had a backbone. Lately, I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I don't know how I'm suppose to be giving and giving when I feel like I really have nothing to give.

It's so hard knowing that people like you for what you can do for them, and not because they like who you are. Not because they care about what you think, or how you feel. Not because they like your personality. But because if they ask you to do something, they know you'll say yes. So that's when you hear from them. I would do almost anything for my friends, but I know who my real friends are, and my real friends know who they are. I like serving. I love being able to provide when someone has a need, and I really do what I offer to do whole-heartedly.

I hate the way it feels when I'm left out because I have to tell someone no. It happens to me all the time. If I can't drive the neighbor to the store, or I can't make a birthday cake for that party. If I can't babysit on that day, help someone move the next. I want people to be able to come to me if they need help. I just hate that with a lot of people, they are so used to me saying yes, that when I say no, I'm the bad guy. It's mostly hard because I'm faced with the crappy realization that they don't like me because I'm me, they like me because I'm "nice". That sort of rejection is really hard, because you know that you're only as good as what you can do for someone. The worst is that even our families take advantage. Both of us have siblings that only ever call when they want something, and we don't at all have a relationship apart from that. It's so hurtful... I've had people call me selfish because I was sick and couldn't help them! I've been told that if I do this this and this, then I'll be invited to the wedding as my payment... I had someone call me a bridezilla at my own wedding because I wanted a table in a certain place. I wasn't rude, I tried to explain why, but because I stood my ground, I was called a bridezilla... I wonder sometimes if people even listen to what they're saying!

Many people wonder why Matt and I share a cell phone. Would you believe me if I told you it's because people call me constantly asking me to do this or that. I purposefully have Matt check voice mails, and basically screen any calls directed to me. That way, he can erase the ones from people that aren't really my friends asking me for something. Otherwise, I get so overwhelmed with the needs of everyone else, that I don't have time to serve people that I really do care about, and that I have a real relationship with. Why can't I just say no, and not allow others to make me feel guilty when I do? Why can't I handle letting people be angry with me if I know I did nothing wrong? Why do I allow myself to be trampled on so much??

I'm starting to understand why people always say that "nice guys finish last". It's because it's the truth. You almost can't be nice without people treating you like a doormat...

Loving your enemies...

I've decided to make a conscious effort to really love my "enemies". This is no easy task for me. I love people, but I also trust few, and once someone has broken that trust it's VERY hard for me to be around them, talk to them, and ESPECIALLY to love them. I hate conflict, so usually I'd rather stay away from it, then to be in a relationship where it will come up often.

I know that I don't have to have a relationship with those people. For me though, I feel like I have to be ok with them, and to me being ok means being friendly. I try, and I fail often, but I really am trying to make things right, even if I wasn't the cause of the break down. I notice that when I try to reconcile, it makes me feel better about that person.

Sunday morning, I woke up early. I'd neglected to spend any real time with God the week before, and so, as I laid in bed, I asked God to show me something I needed to see. I've felt burdened with some relationship stuff, and I felt like that's what I needed to study. The day before, I stayed the night with my friend Sarah, and her husband Aaron. Aaron is a youth pastor, and was talking about translations of the bible while I was over. So I decided to gather my 5 different versions, and read Matthew 5:44-45 in all of them.

Most of them said the same thing, but then I got to "The Message"

"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that."

I knew right away that I was letting these relationships bring out the worst in me. The frustration, the bitterness, the desire to roll my eyes every time I heard them talk. I felt convicted, and my heart hurt.

I was in church alone that morning, and one of the people that I have had a not-so-good relationship with was there. So I started praying for him. I continued to pray for him during Communion, and that God would provide a since of reconciliation between us. It was tough, and I could even feel the hurt creep back up as I asked God to help me forgive him. I still feel uncomfortable about everything. it reminds me of when I had surgery on my knee, and even after I healed up, there was an uncomfortable tightness from the scar. Even though everything is over and done, it still doesn't feel good.

I really feel like I'm suppose to take it a step further and do something to serve them. I've always had the desire to serve those that I love, so I guess if I'm going to love my enemies, then that's what it will take. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do yet. I just know in my heart it's what I have to do. I think it will be worth it to finally be able to forgive, and move on!