Sometimes I wish Matt and I could live in a cave, away from the rest of civilization. That is so awful! I know. I know I just can't seem to get the whole "relationships with other people" thing right. Like I really do try to do the right thing by people in my life. I fail sometimes, and there are times where I'm not as good of a friend as I could be. I'll be the first to admit that. I just can't help but feel like in a lot of the relationships Matt and I have, we have to be the ones to extend ourselves first. We honestly don't mind, usually. Lately though, we have been struggling. We're always so busy "fixing" everyone else, that our relationship with each other suffers. We get so frustrated because while we're doing things for everyone else, our own responsibilities end up going on the back burner. We both crave good friendship. Sadly most of our really good friends live out of town, or are insanely busy themselves, which makes it hard to find the time to hang out, or have good fellowship, or even just to have some relaxing time to recharge together.
I know personally, I've always struggled with "burn-out". I have the classic "can't say no" personality. The complicating factor is that I really enjoy helping people. I never ever want people in my life to not ask me for help because they are afraid that I'll feel taken advantage of. At the same time, Matt and I have people in our lives that depend on us too much, and drain the life out of us. Sometimes I wish that other friends or family members in our lives would see a need and step in themselves. Usually with those people though, the word "no" is just not an option. Even when Matt and I have made mention that we need relief from certain situations, no one else is willing to do anything. That's when the discouragement comes in. Sometimes I just don't know how you can so often carry the burdens of others without losing yourself.
Maybe if we were really close to our families emotionally it would be easier. Not that they don't love us, and we don't love them, but it's just not typical family life. Neither of us are super close to our siblings. My sister and I haven't spoken in years, Matt's half-brother lives across the country, his sister lives here, but has the same kind of family pressures we have, and Matt's other brother lives here, but we don't have much of a relationship with him, not by our choice really, just the nature of things. So I think we struggle with family unity. Like, I don't mind taking the bad with the good, but it seems like really good family time is hard to come by. Often it's a huge ordeal to get everyone together for the sole purpose of spending good quality time together. Usually we only all hear from each other when there is a need. I wish that wasn't the way things were... We've tried to develop better relationships with them, but it's been really really tough.
Forgive me here while I sort out my thoughts. It's been a major struggle recently. I just feel like no one really understands. That's why the only option I see is to get away from here. I don't want to run away, but at the same time, Matt and I can't fix all of this and it's so draining that some days I dread getting out of bed. That is the most frustrating part. It seems like everyone wants help with the symptoms of their problems, but not with the ACTUAL issues. It's hard to think of living here forever, but not having solid relationships. What's the point? We want to start a family in the next couple of years, but the thought of bringing them into this whole mess is so scary. I mean, I want my children to have a warm, loving, family! the family that I never had. How do you teach that in the middle of chaos?
All I know is that something has got to give. What? I don't know. All I really know is that life is too darn short to spend all of your time being crazy. Oh how I wish I could tell those people in my life that. Alas though, better to be quiet, then to disturb the crazies. I've learned my lesson well....
Now I must research a good place for Matt and I to have Easter brunch. I'm actually really looking forward to spending the day with my husband, but it would've been nice to spend it with family. No strings attached.
