so right, but feels so wrong...

I have a dilemma. Having a dilemma is not a fun thing for a person like me. I'm so concerned that I'll make a wrong step, or G-d forbid--a mistake. Tonight I had to confront someone I love about some things. Nothing major, but I tend to avoid confrontation at all costs. You know when you finally get to the end of your rope though, and something needs to be said. That was my night. So I said what needed to be said, and got silence in return.

I still have a sick feeling in my stomach. my dilemma is that I feel so wrong in confronting anyone, because I know how imperfect I am. Yet, in this case, I felt it necessary. This person is someone I love dearly too, which complicates things further. I don't want her to be angry with me, or to even think I'm really angry with her. I'll admit, I tend to get angry when someone hurts me. Someone can do something and it might annoy me, but I think the only time people around me ever really experience me being angry, is when I'm deeply hurt. I'm not easily prone to anger at all. Even when I do get angry, I tend to get over it quite quickly. Tonight I was a little angry, because I got hurt, but I tried my darnedest to put that aside and just tell her how I felt. I think I did an ok job, yet I still don't feel any better about it.

I think some people have the gift of confrontation. Sounds a little strange, but I really believe it. I definitely fall into the sucks at saying no, bad at confrontation because it's easier to be walked on, then to stand up to someone, and have someone mad at me non-confrontational category. It works sometimes. Yet so often I feel used and abused, but I'm too afraid to say anything. When I do say something, I feel heartless. I feel like I'm being selfish, even if I have other commitments that would seem to have greater importance.

So I beckon all friends that this "confrontation" "saying no" thing comes easily to. Please tell me how you do it without feeling guilty!

...and a partridge in a pear tree...

To all of our friends and family, Merry Christmas! May you enjoy all of the blessings that this season brings! May you find rest, comfort, and most of all, the blessing of loving friends and family this Christmas. May the next year bring an abundance of joy!

In Him whose birth we celebrate today,

Matt and Sarah

Two turtle doves...

Today, I realized what makes Christmas such a magical time for me. It's in the giving. The selfless acts that people do around Christmas make my heart smile. Yesterday, I walked into our church kitchen, and saw 90+ boxes of food going to needy families (pictured above). I don't know the name of the woman in charge, but I will say she was so full of love. All of the boxes had been accounted for. Yet person after person walked into that kitchen and expressed a need. Without blinking, she handed them a box and said "Merry Christmas". She could have said "oh these boxes are going to someone else" but she didn't, she trusted the Lord to provide, which he did! This morning, I watched a news program that I watch often. I was moved by an ongoing story about the great need in our community, and how people, bad economy and all, came through and gave Christmas to people that would have gone without otherwise. Another story told of the "layaway angel" that paid off the layaway of some families that weren't able to pay for their kids Christmas gifts, and were faced between giving their children gifts, and eating. A choice I wish no one ever had to make. Of course, that tends to be the same story every year. It still moved me into the depths of my heart.


Oh how different our world would be if these things were carried beyond the holiday season! Of course, it might make the Christmas deeds of people seem "ordinary" year to year, but maybe not. Maybe it would cause people to have to step up even more during the Christmas season. Maybe one day it would even translate into serving the people around the world in a more prominent way. In the name of Christ, or not. Not that I'm discounting Christ, but I believe that God can be used even in the good works people do that were not done in his name...


Today. I woke up in a funk. I could probably name a list of reasons why, but I'll refrain. However, how can I even feel that way? I have 100,000,000,000,000 times more then so many people. Jesus, A place to live, a job, food, money in the bank, and the like. I have no excuse to be in a funk. I am required simply by my blessings to be cheerful.


That is the magic of Christmas. Now, we just have to spread the word that "good deeds" are needed throughout the year, not just at Christmas time...

Scaredy Cat...

Isn't it funny how the closer you are to God, the more broken you realize you are? I'm so broken. Everyday I struggle with a new anxiety about something, and everyday I slap God in the face and tell him that I don't trust him. I'm grieved that I live in such a way. I'm ashamed that I can't get over some of my doubts and fears. I hate that I sacrifice something as necessary as sleep, just to lay in bed and worry. What do I worry about? Just about everything. Relationships, death of people I love, our apartment catching on fire, my alarm not going off, if I fed the dog, if I've offended someone, if I'm a good enough wife, or friend, if I've done the right things by my family, Matt's family, what people think of me, what I think of me. I can't seem to shut it off. It's eating me alive, and no one can help me, except for the one that I so carelessly throw to the side when I'm anxious. Because the thought of relinquishing control feels like a death sentence.

I've always been prone to anxiety. If I had to be famous for a sin, I'm positive that would be the one. I can't even type this without tears pouring down my face. I hate this part of myself. The worst part is that somehow in my head it makes sense. The 5 minutes of peace thinking that I've done everything I can do, gives me this totally pompous high. Like this elatedness, that is so false. Like the felling that I really am in control. Then the cycle starts all over. I have to laugh at myself for typing that, because it is so ridiculous. You always realize how ridiculous you are when you go back and read your crazy thoughts!

I don't really know what the next step is. I have some fears that I've had my entire life. How do you undo 26 years of fear? I guess I have to somehow convince myself that I'm not really in control anyway, as much as I pretend that I am. And that all I can do, is do the right things, and live in today and not tomorrow. I have to trust that God really does have a plan for my life, and that this is not the way to live, because it's not living. If only it were easy to get all of these thoughts from my head, to my heart.

How often we forget...

It's Christmastime, undoubtedly my most favorite time of year. I'm sure that it is for a majority of people. Even if you don't believe that Jesus came to the earth as God in flesh, you cannot deny the magic of the season. However, I DO believe in the authenticity, and infallibility of the story of the Christ child. So much so, that even hearing a Christmas song often finds me in tears.

I didn't grow up with the the gospel. I didn't know what Christmas meant. While I knew the story of baby Jesus, I had no clue as to the blessed implications of his birth, or what it really meant. When you're a child, it's a sweet story. I'm sure if you had strong Christian parents that were very intentional about making sure you understood the meaning of Christmas, that things would make it more understandable. However, for me, that is not how it was. In fact, Christmas growing up was a tense season.

Being an adult changes things. I want to honor Christ in my Christmas, I want my focus to be on him in all of my Christmas preparation. I know that the season often bogs people down with to-do lists, and stress over parties, and gifts. This year though, I'm not worrying about all I have to do. Instead, I'm enjoying the true meaning of the season; the birth of the Jesus. While I enjoy all of the festivities of Christmas (yes, even wrapping gifts), I tend to get over-focused on things that need to be done, and making sure I've met the expectations of those around me. This year, I have tried to make it clear to everyone around me, that I fully intend on relishing every good and perfect moment. That means not spending every waking second in the kitchen, when I could be spending time with all of the children in my life, remembering that this is a time of joyous celebration. Or running back and forth, from house to house, trying to please everyone, when I could be opening gifts with my husband, by the light of our Christmas tree. And by serving someone that has less then myself, in a tangible way, as I feel everyone should do, for we have been blessed so much.

I look to this season with joy, and excitement! But also with peace in my heart. Yay, it's Christmastime!!